Mike, Jes and Ron's Random List of Scary Phrases


Jes, Ron and myself often notice phrases we hear that are somehow disturbing... if not downright scary. You know, the things that people say that have combinations of words that should never be together in the same sentence. We figured what the heck, we're all geeks so might as well make a web page to remember the good ones by...

"My hovercraft is full of eels... again."
"I met somebody with a tongue like yours... all weird and pointy."
"I think I can squeeze that one-twenty in between the cheeks." (You model airplane types will get this. The rest of you will simply think this guy was having some rather disturbing sexual problems!)
"Cool... I did twin Commanches and Navajos when I started!"
"If you ate nothing but possum your whole life, and then had some chicken, you would say, 'Hmm, tastes like possum.'"
"I have no vested interest in your testicles." (as told to one Mike Whaley.)
"I am in the Army so its hard to be able to do anything, I am currently discharging." (Sounds like a personal problem to me!)
"...I'll just go to the bathroom before it and put a rubber chicken up my dress…"
"You know what we say here in America? F**k it!"
"...yeah, it's bad...especially now that we control the world..." (As said to me by another Harris Employee)
"Tug boat with lips" (Found on website, describing thingy in the soap they sell.)
"You can have sex, but you can't have a nose picking..."
"I love you. Stop licking me."
"this lab has a funny smell...it smells like goats to me." (As said to Jes about the computer lab at work)
"The Official Saviours of All Things F***ed Up and Broken Down" (PC Techs unite!!)
"It's just like the Cold War, as long as everyone has the ability to squirt, nobody actually will!"
"Psychiatrists should deliver babies, because they're fragile and don't deal well with the outside world." (Said by an asleep friend who did not even remember saying it!)
"Friends don't do friends... sorry!!" (Overheard from the gals at work)
"If there were really really dumb things shaped like people, I don't think I would feel bad about eating them…" (As said by jes, in a discussion about eating animals..)
"We're not a plague - we're an affliction!"
"I pass server variables faster than kidney stones!"
"Sometimes small s**t is cool. I'm not sure what exactly, but something."
"'Mike will let me do it!'.…'Well, Mike's a whore!!'"
"You know something about HTML, right?" (Said to Mike as he sat in front of a computer with Cold Fusion, Fireworks and three windows of source code open…)
"I suck? No, YOU suck!! Well, I sucked last time!"
"What they do is squirt juice on the box, and it dissolves and that's how they get out." (found in an email from Mike..)
"Play with Big Dog. He loves you. "
"You know, you've got the floppiest elephants I've ever seen."
"Your request has been denied by Balthor the Evil SMTP god." (Sent by my Postmaster...)
"Coat and tie events should be outlawed!!"
"Manatees just remind me of fat ladies' legs."
"There's only one way to find out about ostrich twat, Mike."
"If it's good - spread it!"
"WHY? Because I am the one and only Bitchmaster!!! All bitching must have my permission!" (I'm not sure if this new title is helping or hurting my status here...)
"I'd just feel a lot better if you didn't vote. It's for the good of the country." (Fine then, I'll vote for Snoopy.)
"You need to talk about your dog using adult language!" (something that came out of my writing professor's mouth..)
"Don't blame me. I didn't buy the sheep."
"When I laugh, it doesn't work anymore!"
"You have to dare to suck in order to be good." (as said by Ricky Martin, which actually explains a lot...)
"It is as if the great-snow tiger of suckiness has raped my sister. " (found on The Spark (www.thespark.com))
"I bit my daddy!!"
"Fluttering just doesn't cut it."
"I got a good deal, although the mean car managers tried to screw me, being a young blonde girl."
"Well, why did you stuff your Norn down my pants??"
"My dog eats flies..." (Thanks, Ethan...)
"Add a layer of wilted onions." (hmm...nope, i don't think i want to eat that...)
"I get it without bad words and no breasts!!"
"I think sailboats are made out of ducks, since they always hang out around water and they go south for the winter."
"Florida is not a Banana Republic..." (Peter Jennings on ABC Nightly News, 12/13/00)
"fear of butt fat"
"Tell your friend going to boot camp to remember they can do a lot of things to him, but they can't eat him."
"Never pet a burning dog." (in the tips from Warcraft II)
"Guess what... your snippets are showing!!"
"Hey! Would you like to buy my Wookie?"
"No, you don't wanna eat my whoopie pie!!"
"Well, the problem is that I'm not sure that I'd recognize crap the same way that you'd recognize crap."
"Salad is not food. Salad is what food eats." (Thanks for the tip, Ruchelle!)
"Uh yo, I know you got wicked sweet boogahs."
"Man, what a shocking screw that was!"
"Houston, we have a Whaley..."
"Will Codus Interruptus keep me from getting too many child processes?"
"When I look at him and think that when he sweats his freckles are going to melt off and drip in my face, well, that's a problem." (How's that for advice on dating?)
"Anytime you feel upset, you can just keep squeezing your sheep until the stress goes away."
"What did tornadoes sound like before freight trains existed?"
"I need to go take off these pants - they're cutting off the blood to my brain."
"You gotta enjoy it, those creamy middles only come once in a while!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to manhandle your altoids..."
"Lately, his butt hasn't been as sensitive as it used to be." (The scary part is, he was referring to his dog...)
"I don't understand how she can make such a good yellow, and mess up the color of Poo(h)"
"The majority of bulls are not milk cows." (Only a majority??)
"You know me... if it's contractable, I'm gonna contract it!"
"It is only harrassment if you don't do it right."
"But as for me and my household, we will be served by PCs." (So true, Tanker Bob!)
"Surely, death will visit your ancestors."
"A group known as the League of Human Dignity helped arrange for Deuel to be driven to a local livestock scale, where he could be weighed." (from a CNN article)

Return To Humor Index

Merlin's Site Index
HOME   Email   Pager   OV-10Bronco.Net


Hits since Nov. 13, 1999