The Famous Q.I.B.D.S.T.
(The Quaker Instant Blind Date Screening Test)


I once got roped into a blind double date in which this friend of a friend was supposed to be this incredible, mature, wonderful woman... and subsequently turned out to be barely 14 years old and shy to boot (I was 21 at the time... needless to say, I could have killed the person who got me into that in the first place...) It predictably turned out that we basically just chauffeured my psycho friend (now an ex-friend for other reasons) around with his date, and right then and there I decided no more blind dates, ever. Then I kept having people try to set me up, so I thought well, let's see if we can at least come up with a way to filter out the non-contenders. Thus was born the famous, patented Q.I.B.D.S.T., or Quaker Instant Blind Date Screening Test. If, upon interrogation of their friend, the potential date can't pass this test... no date. They might be nice and a good friend and all that, but it's a way to at least get the basic stuff out of the way early before things get out of hand. I'll put the "right" answers (for me, yours may vary for any particular question, duh...) below the questions.

This is the second or third or fifth version of this test. The first few kept pissing people off. I swear, sarcasm is truly becoming a lost art today. If you get mad, well, I meant it the other way. NOT.

  1. Is she female?
    If not, or if you're not quite sure, you can stop right here. I may be open-minded, but not THAT open minded.

  2. Is she alive???
    Hopefully the answer is yes... once you assume room temperature, it's difficult to carry on a good conversation. Then again, I've known brain-dead people that are quite successful...

  3. Is she single and available?
    Of course there are those that say that we men are all pig-dogs and this doesn't matter to us anyway. Um, whatever...

  4. Is she Christian?
    I'd go to church more, except I'm afraid I might meet a nice Christian girl there that loved God and stuff and we'd have deep conversations on being in the Body of Christ and living only for Him and then I might fall in love or something and live happily ever after as God had intended. That sounded great to me at first, but then I realized that I might have to quit dooing some things like hanging out with trial lawyers, helping the local crack whores have their welfare babies, and beating up gay people with Frank Zappa records. Actually I don't do any of those things now. But geez, what if someday I decided I wanted to... then what would I do? Pretty big risk.

  5. Does her IQ exceed her shoe size?
    I wonder if I ought to change this?? Seems that people have had problems with this in understanding the term "exceed" and the relationship between IQ and the shoes that I had intended. The contenders to replace this question are currently as follows: Does she like NASCAR?, Does she know the name of any member of N-Sync?, Rosie O'Donnell: American role model or annoying lard-loving leftist lesbian loudmouth ho?, Where is the ANY key on your computer?, and The effects of calcium elucidation on bacterial chemotaxis: Right or wrong for America today?

  6. Does she smoke?
    Yuck. Go away. It's selfish and exceedingly disgustingly pus-oozingly gross and I'll never be okay with it. Ever. For the love of carcinoma, why can't you realize how dumb you look (and smell) to the rest of the world. You could get the same effect (without the ill effects to your health) by brushing your teeth with the stuff at the bottom of a birdcage.

  7. Any piercings in places other than the ears?
    I have friends with piercings in places other than the ears... but it just sort of screams to me that having strange piercings means that one is pretty much a follower, who wants to be different just like all the other different people... someone who thinks it's cool to do what they see on Empty-Vee. The worst are the pierced lips... every time I've seen someone with pierced lips, they are invariably one of those gothic bisexual rave-queen freak-whore glitter-spackle-wearing acid-dropping sluts... what the HELL is that all about anyway?? OK, I'm almost (but not entirely) getting used to the idea of belly button rings, but still, what's the point?

  8. Any tattoos??
    Same as strange piercings, just more permanent. Unless it's a tattoo of a Genesis or Yes logo, maybe... hell, that would just be damn cool. I want a contact lenses with the ELP and Fish logos, personally...

  9. Does she take drugs???
    Pot? Acid? Heroin?? Crack? Stuff I've never even heard of?? Go back to watching MTV, I don't want that in my life. There are few things I find quite as ridiculous as people who say "Oh I only smoke pot once in a while" as if that's no big deal.

  10. Does she drink??
    I don't think there's anything wrong, in and of itself, with having a drink once in a while... but a lot of people drink a lot, just to drink, as if it's a great thing, and that strikes me as sad. Actually I don't touch the stuff, cuz I'm afraid that if I did, any spark of inspiration I may someday have while intoxicated would make my head explode... ethanol is flammable, you know.

  11. Is she uglier than Janet Reno in a mud-wrestling match?
    OK, now I'm not looking for a Playboy bunny here. Looking nice is fine but it doesn't hold up a conversation, and once you know someone you usually notice their looks less and less anyway. But the time we're old it won't matter much anyway. But there is a big difference between looking normal and really being ugly... and it's got just as much (no, actually a lot more) to do with how one acts and their attitude as it does with their physical appearance. I know women that are pretty average in physical appearance whom I find beautiful simply because of who they are. To give you an idea of the kind of women that I'm not attracted to, here's my list of the most sickeningly yucky (famous) women I know of... it's not necessarily based on physical beauty as you'll see:
    • Tammy Faye Bakker
      (Spackling is NOT makeup!)
    • Rosie O'Donnell
      (Admit it - you're soooo gay!)
    • Courtney Love
      (Shoulda been a murder-suicide)
    • Judy Tenuta
      (O-o-o-o-oh, you're so DUMB!)
    • Sally Struthers
      (Eat, choke and DIE like your brother Jabba!!!)
    • Demi Moore
      (The cigars make me wanna hurl)
    • Pamela Anderson Whomever-she-is-this-week
    • Mimi
      (From the Drew Carey Show)
    • Madonna
    • Ms. "Stop the insanity!!"
    • Fran Drescher
      (Laryngitis is a GOOD thing...)
    • Cher
      (Highly overrated, in all respects)
    • Roseanne
      (Barr?? Arnold?? Shamu??)
    • Barbra Streisand
      (Gag choke puke)
    • Mariah Carey
    • Anyone in a
      feminine hygiene ad

    Now to be fair, I'll tell you some of the women I think are attractive... not that it's all-inclusive or that I'm looking for anyone that's a clone of one of them. Again I'll stick to the famous ones I've never met... if I listed the gals I actually know, I'll get myself in BIG trouble with somebody for sure! ;-)
    • Kate Bush
      (I wanna have Kate's love chile!)
    • Marina Sirtis
      (Star Trek's Deanna Troi)
    • Kelly McGillis
      (As seen in Top Gun)
    • Patty Wagstaff
      (Aviatrix Extraordinaire)
    • Sarah Ferguson
      (Funny as hell & she's a pilot too!)
    • Lynda Carter
      (Wonder Woman kicks butt!)
    • Julia Roberts
    • Jessica Rabbit
      (She's just drawn that way...)

  12. Is she strange, in a good way?
    Any person I become close to usually is at least a tiny bit weird, in that they realize that if I say I like cats, especially battered and deep-fried... she doesn't think I oughta be thrown in jail, as if I would really do such a thing. If they read The Monkey Story and take it seriously and they find it to be a disgusting example of a sick, animal abusing mind and think I'm a jerk for finding it funny, well then they are obviously pretty whacked in the head in a bad way and they oughta take a hike before I have to glue their lips to a poison arrow frog. (Yes, I really have met people like this... sad, isn't it?) Tendencies towards abject and wonton silliness are good. Unless your Rice Krispies advise you against it, of course.

  13. Does she have a good sense of humor?
    Vitally important. The weirder the better, to a point. Python, Carlin, and Bean, oh my...

  14. Would she fit in well on Baywatch?
    Silicone is another sign of trying to replace being interesting with being pretty. The effort usually fails miserably. It's nice to look good, but if you can't be satisfied with what God gave you to work with then I'm thinking there's probably other issues you ought to deal with...

  15. Is she an evil psychopath?
    If you have ever boiled someone's pet rabbit, hired a hit man to beat them up in the middle of the night, or bombed an ex-boyfriend's car just because he forgot your great-aunt's dog's previous owner's first wife's second husband's birthday... call me. I'll hook you up with a certain ex-best-friend of mine that is a great guy, really he is...

  16. Am I too strange for her?
    Ah, this seems to be a biggie. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a bit strange. Or weird, if you prefer. Weird as in Eric Idle weird or Gary Larson weird, as opposed to Jeffrey Dahmer weird or Courtney Love weird. (BTW, do you know the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky? Wayne showers after three periods.)

  17. Does she worship Satan, volcanos, or Bigfoot, or sacrifice small furry farm animals or live chickens?
    If this is done for reasons other than just as a hobby, bad news. Otherwise, I'll bring the velcro and you bring the bat guano.

  18. Dog or cat person??
    I don't like cats. I can tolerate a few of the friendlier ones, but by and large they hate me (just like they hate most other people) and I don't go out of my way to win their affections. See The Dog List for more information on what I look for in a dog person's dog. Oh yeah, it helps if they like animals and nature in general... I've been known to have pet snakes, turtles, frogs, crayfish, and a penguin... you know, neat stuff.

  19. Anything else I should know?
    Well, this is sort of the catch-all question to cover all the things I hadn't already thought of asking. The strangest response to this I've heard (so far) was that the person in question "was really nice, but she does tend to sleep around with old boyfriends whenever she's pissed at her current one... but don't worry, it really doesn't mean anything though." I'm not sure if that speaks worse for the person being described or the person who told me that, but in any case I had to admit I tend to cling to these weird rules about monogamy and committment and honesty and other assorted morals, so I had to turn her down. Oh well.

Well, that's it. Just goes to show you that it never hurts to write things down in case you need them later on though. As my friend Ron Ellis pointed out... I wonder how illiteraminates get dates? And if you're offended at this or something, call me and I'll explain the meaning of "lighten up" to you in as much detail as is needed. I'm sure I'll still offend people right and left even after deleting all the good stuff. They can all just bite me.

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