I Want To Be YOUR Psychic Friend!!
(For only a tiny fee...)

 




NEWS FLASH:
September 5, 1998

Being a tech-support geek myself (well, most of the time...) I have heard stories about people calling up tech-support lines and complaining that their "drink holders" had failed. "No way", I thought. No way that people could possibly be stupid enough to confuse a CD-ROM with a drink holder. I had heard similar stories of people using their mouse as a foot pedal, putting Wite-Out on the screen to correct typos, or using a Xerox machine to copy a disk. I didn't think it was anything more than a joke.

However, recent events have finally convinced me that this is all probably entirely true. I'll tell you just a very few examples that come to mind:

  • Levi Strauss is producing a line of stiff jeans that are promoted as being inherently painful to wear.
  • Empty-Vee is prospering, based shows like "Beavis & Butthead" and several carbon-copy others in which the entire premise revolves around shaky cameras held by drunken chimpanzees and a cast of inbred losers, invariably including at least two flaming homosexuals, one closet racist, an aspiring starlet and/or a gangsta-rapper and his homeys.
  • Smoking is now "cool" again, as is pot, LSD, and heroin. Crack cocaine remains a bad thing, however... can't have any "hard" drugs you know, that stuff will kill you.
  • Americans have collectively given their seal of approval to being lead by an adulterous liar with no conscience... yet most of them also swear allegiance to either the Democrats or Republicans and actually believe there is some kind of difference between the two.
  • People plant bombs daily in order to "save lives, just like God wants us to do."
  • People gladly pay $3 for a small bottle of water.
  • The Dana Carvey Show gets run off the air, while Fran Drescher becomes wildly successful. To top it off, Barney hits the big time, finding time to sue the San Diego Chicken for daring to bop him a good one.
  • Juries award huge judgements to people for pouring steaming hot coffee on themselves, because the restaurant hadn't felt it necessary to specifically warn them that doing so might result in pain, injury and suffering.
  • Folks join Mafia-owned labor unions because "it's just the right thing to do." and then they honestly wonder why their company goes bankrupt and can no longer pay them $40 an hour for tightening a single nut once every few minutes.
  • Untold numbers of people make a habit of having unprotected sex with scores of people they don't know - then they just can't believe that they actually catch something nasty.

The list goes on and on and on, but I'm sure you get the idea of the numerous signs pointing towards the stupidity that pervades humanity today.

In view of this, and based also upon my current state of total frustration at my continuing unemployment, I have made a big decision. I am no longer going to be a tech support geek. That's going to be made obsolete anyway, since we all know that Windows NT 5 and Windows 98 are so incredibly useful and flawless, there will be no need to help people fix things anymore. So... I have decided to become a telephone psychic friend instead!!!

I have realized that not only are at least 95% of all the people in the world genuinely and truly stupid, but... and this is important... they are not necessarily prevented from being successful by it. You can turn on any talk show or look to our own governmental officials for ample, incontrovertible proof of this fact. Kicking around the thought of successful stupidity lead me to a powerful revelation, I think it was divine although I must admit the possibility that it was influenced by an unevenly heated frozen burrito. Either way, it's a revelation, which is pretty neat in and of itself and that's enough to take it seriously.

The revelation is that we are surrounded by an interesting, counter-intuitive phenomenon at work: stupid people, being in the vast majority, run the world and therefore by default are quite successful in most all of their endeavors!! Stupid people continue to eat, breathe, and reproduce with frightening regularity. Therefore it's a logical assumption that, by and large, they have a means to support their lives... in other words, they have jobs and make money.

As a member of the elect 5% that are a bit smarter than most, I feel that I should share with you fellow members of the intelligencia something that could change all our lives forever. I am sure you will agree with me: it is our moral and ethical obligation to be more successful than the stupid people are. This is obvious by the very definition of intelligence. Failure to beat them in the area of success is simply not the intelligent thing to do.

Therefore (and admittedly to feed my own probably twisted penchant for being the catalyst to help random idiots shoot themselves down in flames, all the while mentally absolving myself of any blame for it) I am basing my entire scheme for success entirely upon the very success of the phenomena it is designed to be successful over: the success of stupidity in the world today. Societal stupidity itself will be the vehicle for my success as a psychic friend!!!

You see, the harder they (the stupid people) work, the more they must deal with other stupid people, and therefore the more stressed they become. The more stressed they are, the more need they have for things that are supposed to be "for entertainment purposes only"... like phone psychics telling them all the blatantly obvious (but, of course, SHOCKING AND AMAZING!!) things they crave to hear. All this (of course) is available at the incredibly low rate of a couple of bucks a minute. Dumb people will gladly pay me to talk to them, under the pretense that I know things they don't. Which is, strictly speaking, entirely true!! The longer I can bear to talk to them, the more money of theirs gets sent to me. The harder they work, the more money they have, and more they need to talk. THE HARDER THEY WORK, THE MORE MONEY I MAKE!!!!! What's not to like about this plan??

The fact that we (the intelligencia) can see this and they (the stupid people) can't places us into the position of knowing their future. Therefore as far as they're concerned, I am already a psychic and it's legal. In fact, it's my moral imperative to do this - for their own good!! And what, pray-tell, happens when a few of them finally do manage to figure it out?? Well, they will certainly be poorer, and I will be richer. More important than that, they have learned something valuable. Therefore they will be smarter for the experience and they will have benefitted immensely from my sacrifice. Nothing comes for free in this world, and knowledge is no different. There are no losers in my plan!

If you'll excuse me now, I have to run. I just got a couple of urgent emails warning about new viruses called Good Times and Your Message was Undeliverable that are being sent around. Sounds really evil. I want to pass these urgent warnings along to all my friends, a couple dozen of my favorite mailing lists, and all the newsgroups I can find before these viruses get out of hand. I just want to do my part to help others, you know. Come to think of it, I'd better do it twice, just to make sure it reaches as many people as possible.

"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me, and have access to my dementia?" - George Castanza on Seinfeld



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