My Latest Brush with Death
(I saw my life flashing before my eyes, really I did!)

 




NEWS FLASH:
June 19, 1998

Well, big news!! Big news!!!

I got into a car crash today by running into the back of some lady on my lunch break. I was at a light in Satellite Beach and I was getting out my sandwich and then we started moving and I dropped a french fry or something and next thing I know SPLAT I hit the back of the car in front of me at the breakneck speed of about 8 mph... I mean I really can't believe that I'm even here to tell you all about it!! I could have been killed, I saw my very life flashing before my eyes. (I even got to hit rewind a few times for the good parts.) There was probably at least a 3 mph difference between her car and mine at the time of impact. The damage was quite extensive... there was a tiny paint scratch that was at least 1/8 inch wide on the bumper, which seemed to be slightly loose. At least maybe it was, with the cars nowadays it might be a design feature there. I'm no mechanic but I just bet that there was tons of damage I couldn't see... I suspect that the frame is all warped, the engine is internally destroyed, the upholstery is stained, the windows are cracked and the gas tank probably leaks too now.

I regret to inform you that the Progmobile suffered major damage. It lost the drink holder in the impact, and the large Coke I had just purchased with my lunch stained the beautiful, plush, 13-year-old carpeting down by the pedals. I was thrown up against the seat belt with blinding, mind numbing force that squeezed my breath out, remarkably it came out sounding like "Oh Ham" or at least something close to that (the bone-crunching forces of the impact distorted my hearing as well.) My head was mere feet away from the windshield!! This snapped the buckle on the seat belt. Well, not quite snapped, but the outer slot thingy that holds it in place on the belt snapped because it didn't have metal running thru it like the other slot that actually holds you in when you get in a wreck. Oh yeah, now my speedometer needle vibrates a tiny bit at speeds under 20mph, but the gas gauge seems to have started working right again. I'm glad the front two windows are stuck in the up position, they may have been the only things holding me inside the vehicle.

The cop that stopped by at the scene of this carnage really disappointed me. He actually had the nerve to take our refusals of the need for assistance seriously (sheesh, can't people understand politeness anymore??) He didn't even stay and file a report or anything. Boy, was I pissed!!! I waited for a little while, awaiting an aerial rescue helicopter from Patrick AFB to show up, followed by three or four news crews, a large crowd of bystanders, Dr. Kevorkian, two hundred lawyers and all the other usual stuff you'd expect for a major accident involving The Great ProgMeister. But there must have been a major conspiracy to hide the incident, planned out beforehand, for nobody showed up. Yeah, I know that's pretty incredible, but I swear it's true. After all that mess with Princess Di, you'd think that I would have Tom Brokaw show up on-site to show my heroic return home. But no. Well I have every bit of confidence that some day soon, the true story of this incredible event will come to light and receive the publicity it truly deserves.




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