Using Dogs as Judges of Character
(Man's best friends... especially in picking your friends.)

You can tell a lot about somebody by their dog:

  • People who have Labrador Retrievers tend to be nice, down to earth, fun loving, active people that make good friends.

  • Sheepdogs are often owned by people with a strong creative/artistic side, who are generally laid back.

  • Greyhounds indicate the owner enjoys being outside a lot. Greyhounds are very friendly and smart. This is not a bad dog for one to have, if you can catch the derned things. (You just haven't really lived until you've watched a 12-year old girl on Rollerblades being happily pulled along at 40 mph by a Greyhound that thinks the word "Stop!!!" is a synonym for "Run!! Run like the wind!!")

  • People who have German Sheppard are a bit like Labrador Retriever people, but are a little more insecure. German Sheppard are for Type-A people who are highly driven and want serious protection, who would own a pit bull except that they know better. Or, their owners are traditional sorts who think that their dog should be capable of some useful function other than just "pet."

  • Rottweilers are for people who want even more serious protection. They would like to have their body well-protected from all comers, just in case a burglar shoots them dead in their living room.

  • Pit Bulls are universally owned by people whom you should never, ever trust. The dog isn't really there for protection, but to extend the owner's projected image of being one evil son of a bitch. About 10% of Pit Bull owners are not proud to be rednecks or hicks, but only because they are pimps. Ownership of, or even the desire to own, a Pit Bull is incontrovertible and legally-admissible evidence that somebody has no penis and should be taken away for use in governmental medical experimentation.

  • Beagles are good for people who just like having a good, all-round jack-of-all-trades kind of dog. These are usually nice folks. Good example: Charlie Brown.

  • Bassett Hounds are for people who enjoy silly things. These are also usually fun people who are pretty well laid-back.

  • Bulldogs are generally for people who have a serious side, and want a serious dog to go along with it. Like Winston Churchill. This is kind of funny because every bulldog I've ever met was very friendly and playful and just didn't live up to the image. I'm sure that if the word ever gets out about that, the Bulldogs will return to their serious demeanor for a few years in order to protect their public image.

  • Owners of St. Bernards like having things that draw attention. They usually have a lot of other big things too: big houses, big cars, large tracts of land, etc. If they don't, then I always think they are trying to compensate for something.

  • Dachshunds are actually fun dogs. They are hyper it is true, but they are smart and friendly. My aunt has one named Katie that looks like a short ground-based version of the Goodyear blimp. Her little legs barely make it to the ground because she's so fat. These are for people who want to pamper their dog some, but don't want to be viewed as being like a Poodle person.

  • Poodles, and to a lesser extent Chihuahuas, tend to be owned by prissy, snobby types who remind you of figure skating medalists. These people never burp, fart, scratch themselves, pick their noses, or sweat (they "perspire" instead.) They also tend to watch championship ballroom dancing, starch their shirts, get dressed for bed, and think that Barbra Striesand is God's gift to rock music. Except when their owner is very old - in which case the dog-rat's hyperactivity is good for alerting them that a phone is ringing three blocks away. (I have an aunt like that with a damned poodle that has barked at least 40 times a minute every day for the last 9 years. It's actually named "Prissy" too if you can believe that.) However, it must be pointed out that people who dye their Poodle in neon colors tend to be more like St. Bernard types, without the big house.

  • And finally we have the mutt lovers. Practical people here. You have to meet the mutt before you can tell what kind of person owns it though, but the muttier it is the better it usually speaks of the owner. It's probably a good thing that so many people own mutts.

As for me, I want to have a Lab some day. Or at least a mutt with a lot of Lab in it. I had a dog once, named BubbaDawg, that was the coolest dog ever. More of a Dawg than a dog. He had the build of a Boxer, the feet of a BIG Lab, the coloring of a German Shepard, the face of a Beagle, and was just the most cool-ass dawg there ever was. He sat on my R/C airplane's tail once, but it was so funny I wasn't too mad. BubbaDawg was very friendly, extremely smart, and protective of anyone who would be nice to (feed and/or pet) him or someone he liked. He'd also take care of Suzette, our faithful old cockapoo. Everyone should have a BubbaDawg at least once in their life.

And there you have it, the secret of success in life, love, and friendship is to get to know your dogs!

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